Letting go isn't giving up

Written by emma

I don't think this has been a great week for a lot of folks, it certainly hasn't for me. In addition to how the election turned out, my partner left me the day after. Our relationship was never perfect, and to be honest this is probably a good thing in the long run. A lot of damage was done to me in the process of this relationship under the guise of good intentions, under my assumption of being a good partner. That's what will take a lot of work to fix and figure out my life on my own again, I'm not afraid to be single, but I have no one in my life now.

When we met in 2019 they were very charming, we fell quick. Things took a turn when they were diagnosed with cancer. It was early in the relationship, but I felt a connection to them I had felt with no one else, I felt we had to keep going and they had to get better because I wanted a life with this person. So through the course of 3 years, and you know what happened between 2019-2022 so add that on to the list, I looked after them. After work I cared for them, I helped them in every way I could. Friends started leaving my life because I was so focused on them getting better. After two bouts of cancer and a non cancerous brain tumor, they were free of that part at least. But they had changed. They would accuse me of cheating because I worked a night job and that must've meant I doing something behind their back. They were just different.

We would split off and on several times, each time the promise of getting better was made, and each time I bought it, and for a little things would get better. But it was just them in my life. Oh sure they had friends, but I never met them, as much as I wanted to. I was very isolated and I didn't even know it, because was running under the assumption I was in love, that this was my person, and that was all I needed in life.

This time is different though, it clicked. That I put so much into this relationship and that when I had finally hit a rough patch of my own. They split. They couldn't help me when I truly needed them most. So I sit at my desk, alone with my cat. I look back through all those years and I no longer see the love, I see all the things that should've made me leave, that should've made me let go. Relationships are very involved. things. I think there are points in this relationship that we genuinely loved each other. I don't really know what happened to change that. Few times in life are we afforded a gift with a bow that contains all the answers we need. I'll never really know, and it really doesn't matter. I'm starting therapy next week which is long overdue, and I'm looking forward to it as I genuinely need help. I know people want to help and I want to get better, because I deserve to be happy and confident in myself once again.

I have to ask one thing though, I lost all my friends. I don't really know how to make friends anymore. I know I haven't posted a lot on this blog so far, but if you've read the posts on here or you know me from somewhere. Would you like to be friends? You can email me at emma-at-emmas-dot-place or if you happen to know me from a community we might both be in, we can talk there. The one thing I do really know, is that I need friends right now, I know it is a lot to ask of internet strangers, maybe too much even. But I have to ask.

Later Gator

Comments

  1. Markdown is allowed. HTML tags allowed: <strong>, <em>, <blockquote>, <code>, <pre>, <a>.