light in darkness
Written by emma
this is a blog post for the 32-Bit Cafe's holiday event i encourage you to participate in either or both events if you have something you'd like to share.
on friday nights i often find myself in my head a lot. i sit down and think about the week, the month, the year. at the end of it i try to come away from it satisfied with what i've accomplished. it isn't exactly easy to accomplish things right now for me. i had a breakup in november, and am working my way through the disability process as my psychiatrist feels i should no longer work full time for the benefit of my mental health. the world for someone like me, who knows with all of her heart that she is a woman, but doesn't look the way people expect a woman to look is not friendly, and probably won't be for a long time.
i look at the paragraph above. and the first thing i say to myself is "i'll get through it". i have struggled with my mental health since i was a teenager. i have fallen down and gotten up enough times to know the process works if you work your ass off. by doing things like reminding yourself to eat when depression takes away your appetite. cleaning your desk when depression feels your world should look like trash because you feel like trash. making a website, because as dark as your mind wants to be sometimes, you know with all of your heart you have so much light and love you want to express. a website would be perfect for that wouldn't it? i think so.
there are a lot of challenges ahead of me in the coming new year. some are big, some are small. some i look forward to, some scare the shit out of me. but i will not fucking quit. i am rather determined when it comes to getting better at this point. i remember what better is, it was only a few years ago. i never forgot better, it just went away for a few years. but i can and will have it back. it is mine to have and hold and care for and embrace with the love and tenderness that is me. no one, no mental illness, will take it from me permanently. i will always fight until i have it back
all of this fucking confidence is fun and all, if this inspires you i'm glad. i also have to admit that what i've been through this year is bigger than myself, that to have this determination i posses now i needed help from many people in many ways. my mom is forever my superhero, and supported me when depression made me unable to express what i was feeling without falling apart and arguing. she is wholly affirming and supportive of the fact that i am a woman, and i cannot express how happy that makes me. my therapist listens to me, honestly listens. even if half the session is me in tears right now. we work through it, she sees the small amounts of progress i make, that are so important when it comes to eventually tackling the larger items.
community has been the most important light in my storm this year. the patrons of the 32-Bit Cafe have all in their own way been a small but strong guiding light as i venture through this storm. whether it was a wonderful website someone was proud to show off, or a wonderfully written blog post that helped me better understand the member of the community that had written it. this year i feel that i finally made genuine connections to people on the web, something i had not done in a long time. i cannot understate how important all of what the 32-Bit Cafe has been for me as a navigate my life. it itself is a lighthouse in my storm. a safe port to stay at before venturing off to fight another day.
i'm used to my life not being easy, maybe that isn't fair, maybe that's just how life is sometimes. but i think the general nature of my life and the challenges it has presented me. whether it be mental illness, a visual disability that leaves me legally blind, or that all of this and many other things leaves me often feeling this world wasn't meant for me. at the end of all of that, i always say i will keep going. i've seen too much good in this world not too. i've seen enough helpers, and have been helped enough times that i find myself wanting to be a helper now too. i hope that i can one day be someone's lighthouse, like so many people have been for me
the light in my darkness is love, it burns brightly. it is the fire i often describe that is within me. i will always choose to love and will always lead with love, because that is what i'd want for me. i've been lucky enough to experience that a lot this year. so i will keep piloting this ship, and one day i'll get out of this storm. just like i have many times before. it is worth it, i'm worth it