Walk with me for a moment

i've been over a few topics on my mental health journey on this blog. i've come to understand through looking at what i'm going through and through talking with it to my therapist. that mainly i am grieving the loss of a relationship. that even though it needed to end, that i may not have loved them for a while before it ended. the loss of something that was once so special is a perfectly valid reason to grieve. grieving has a few stages, i think i've made it through the ones that put you in a low, very dark place. i've had my time to think, to worry. overall with an understanding and a want for the relationship to not continue. that it can't for both of our sakes. recently i entered a new stage, also part of grieving. anger

anger is an odd emotion for me, it is very inward. i am my harshest critic and i will pull myself through a fire to prove a point at the expense of only me. but what i seem to be angry about most is what i've let depression get away with all this time. i've talked about how it affects my environment, but it affect me too. greatly. i think for many years at this point i have not cared much about my personal appearance. even as i began to realize i identified as a woman, i didn't put much thought into it. depression is happy to wrap you up in a fog of sadness. you look at yourself in the mirror and maybe you don't even recognize yourself. but at the same time you wonder if you disappeared would anyone care? and when you are asking yourself questions like this, you don't particularly care about the poor human being looking back at you in the mirror, even if their eyes are begging you to push forward and get better

but it has changed recently. i had to go pick up medication as i usually do every month. in about the simplest way i can explain it, i was overwhelmed with the urge to not look like shit for once. i realized i could look nice, just for myself. it isn't like i'm going anywhere important. but i'm allowed to feel happy by looking nice in a way that makes me happy. so i cleaned myself up. i paid extra attention to my hair as it has always brought me happiness. i began using the skin cream i've had for awhile that helps with all the acne i've had building up form just not looking after myself. i shaved the facial hair off of my face that i disdain, but couldn't bring myself anything to do about.

so i went to the pharmacy, got my medicine. maybe your familiar with a certain pharmacy that prints mile long receipts. the funny thing is sometimes those receipts pay off. this time they did. i had what amounted to a $7 gift card on my receipt. and i new immediately what i needed to get. i had been looking on the pharmacy website earlier in the day. i had seen them. the first step in expressing myself visibly in the way i see myself. press on nails. nothing fancy, but not a waste of money either for learning how to apply them, and maybe getting a fun photo or two and feeling happy for the day

and happy i was. they were a little crooked, they weren't perfect. but the joy i felt looking down at my hand. i rushed to the mirror and put my hands out so i could see my nails. the smile beaming off of my face said it all. this is the right direction, this is all making a little more sense now. i care about myself a little more now. things don't happen over night, and it will all take time. but the validation was huge for me, i felt cute. i felt beautiful

i ended up buying another set later on, that can be reapplied. typing is very interesting with nails on i have to admit. but i'm sure i'll get used to it, i look to cute to ever want to be without something like this again. i'm very happy today