Walk with me for a moment

all of us in some way have, or develop limits throughout our life. many of us as we age may share a common limit like not being able to life a heavy box, or not being able to stand up as fast as we once could. some limits may be more unique to us, and may only really be understood by a doctor, or someone who experiences the same limit you do. it may not be apparent to everyone why depression makes me sabotage good thoughts. many people wouldn't understand what a sense of impending doom feels like when experiencing a panic attack. many times in life i've been told to stop bouncing my leg, without consideration given to the idea that bouncing my leg is allowing me to concentrate on the conversation currently being had.

and some of these unique limits we can learn to work with or adapt to. major depressive disorder, generalized anxiety disorder, and ADHD for me are effectively treated by medication and therapy. but this doesn't fix everything. there are limits i will always have because f these things i've been diagnosed with. some of them are very core to me. most of my life, i and many other folks with a disability i think have never been afforded the prescription for these limits, which is acknowledgement of them. that in this moment, we can't. maybe later we can, maybe we will never be able to. but quite simply, we can't

for most of my life, both professionally and personally. i have been made to feel like saying "i can't" is not an option. i have to wonder why this is. often for me it is simply needing some space away from everything. to calm my feelings of being overwhelmed, or to charge my social batteries because of a long and involved interaction with someone. in my personal life, i've been treated as though a temporary inability to display affection, such as not being able to give a hug. was as much as saying "i don't love you any more". why must it be like this? why can i not be afforded control over myself in these moments? is it a fear of me having control? does my boss think giving me 30 minutes of space after a tense troubleshooting call will cause me to form a union? does my lover worry that my inability to give a hug means i've given up on them?

is it really this simple? are they unable to let me have control of the situation due to fear or a lack of confidence. i'd really like to know. i've walked too close to death too many times in my life for this to be the answer. but if it is i'll accept it, and i'll never give a single person who is unwilling to afford me agency over my life a second of my time again. damn you if this is your reasoning. go to therapy yourself if you have trouble letting others control parts of their life.

at the age of 33 i realized the game i was playing was rigged. that i would never win this game with what i had going on in my life i voiced this to my psychiatrist, who had been seeing me since i was 18. they agreed that they could come to a conclusion through consistent appointments spanning such a long time of my life. that the 40 hour work week didn't work for my head. that in my professional and personal life, my limits were not being respected. so i began the process of filing for disability. with the understanding i could only work part time moving forward. or i would the effectiveness of treatment for ADHD, depression, and anxiety at risk

this is a tough pill to swallow at first. despite being given the answer you wanted. that you are now completely right about all the times you couldn't. so much so that your federal government must aid you to ensure you have a stable life it just sucks to hear that's how life wil be for you. i didn't take it well at first i spiraled quickly, overwhelmed with the thought of how much better my life could've been if things had been noticed sooner. but you have to get out of that loop. there are no possibilities in the past. you only have now and what is ahead of you. through therapy i would understand that this was a way point in a new part of my life. one where i would be afforded the chance to say "i can't". one where my limits will be acknowledged. one where i feel comfortable standing up for myself if a future romantic partner is unable to understand or accept my limits.

i now understand that i will have energy to look after my physical and mental health. to pursue interests that those without my limits are often free to pursue without second thought. i've been given these chances now, and i'm quite happy about it. i know for a long time i've wanted to help others. in some way i want to make an impact. with time, that is now a possibility for me. work will no longer turn me into someone who can't even say a complete sentence after clocking out. i can finally have goals and interests, because work is not demanding all of the energy i have

still though. i have to wonder what the world would be like if it was okay to say "i can't" i had to go through a lot of tough life experiences to finally feel i was allowed to say it. i think it shouldn't be like this. i think humans always exceed when we cooperate and understand one another. any successful leader at a job knows their team's strengths and weaknesses, and learns to make them compliment, rather than harm each other. why is this not the norm? why was i not allowed to say "i can't" for so long?