I have an eye impairment that renders me legally blind. With corrective eye wear my vision is 20/100. People often would ask "what does the world look like to you?". It is impossible to explain because I'm missing things that are obvious to someone with better eyesight, it was never a question I could properly answer, and I think I never gave the things I went through proper justice as a result. The easiest way I can explain this to you is that when you get an eye test, and they stick you a ways away from that eye chat with the big 'E' at the top, well... That's all I can see, with glasses or without them. Every time they'd ask all I could say was 'E'.
Growing up as a child you're not really aware that something is different about you, you're far too concerned watching cartoons. It doesn't matter to you that you sit directly below the TV looking up at it in awe, but understand that's not because of the technological feats of television blowing your child mind, you just can't see the damn thing from anywhere else in the room. But you don't think about it like that as a kid, but adults are keen to give your mother shit for how close your child sits to the TV, as if it matters so long as she's enjoying spongebob.
A common theme throughout my life seems to be that no one really knows I can't see well until I inconvenience them in some way. A potential date night is cancelled because they learn you take public transportation and can't pick them up. The cashier looks at you funny as you squint at a menu placed behind them that may as well be chalk lines instead of letters, not offering any help mind you, just gawking. The common theme of "is she stupid" runs along with this, with my grade school hesitating on whether I would be allowed to take our state's standardized testing since not being able to see well means I must not be good at school subjects. In my professional life I've had people accuse me of being illiterate because I dare look too closely at someone's fucked up handwriting on a paper.
You can tell there's a lot of anger in me about this I'm sure, and to be honest there is. It isn't fixable, it won't get better, it won't go away. In so many ways it has dictated how I will live my life without any further choices or options. To be ruled by this, to have it decide what job you take because the one you want and is a perfect fit isn't on the bus line, is fucking maddening. This is my life, this is not up to my vision to decide damnit. But so many times it was, so often it was to make sure I had money, or health insurance, and so many times it cost me my mental health by placing me in horrible working conditions.
I don't want you to feel sorry, people deal with far worse day to day then I do. Work is over for me now, there will be no more workplace induced trauma for me, and for the most part life's grey clouds have started to part because of that. Still what I wouldn't give sometimes for the chance to blast down the highway in the Nissan 240sx I would constantly have a watchlist of, before they were even popular.
There's no particular way i want to end this, I just want someone to read it and listen to my story.
Later Gator
The past few weeks have had their ups and downs. With the grey months coming in I've felt my mood become a little less happy overall. A few days I found it hard to really be motivated to do much. But I have to look back at these last few weeks and pat myself on the back a bit, because there are quite a few wins sprinkled in there that I must acknowledge to myself.
Getting out and seeing the world
For the first time probably since 2021, I went to a physical grocery store to shop. I know this may seem odd, but you have to understand currently I cannot go to the pharmacy for longer than 20 minutes without feeling like I will have a panic attack (I once had a panic attack at the pharmacy waiting for medication related to preventing panic attacks). So this is quite an accomplishment for me. To feel confident enough to go around and pick out items without fear or worry or my chest tightening up was huge. I spent about 30 minutes at the store getting everything I need and was quite proud of myself for doing so. I'm hoping that doing this allows me to go to the pharmacy when necessary with more confidence and allow me to avoid the feeling of fear that has been so present.
Checklists are okay actually
For the first time in my life I used a checklist to keep track of tasks. Lists and I never really got along. I find them particularly overwhelming and have done everything I can to avoid them. I once wouldn't perform a task at a job because it involved a long list of phone numbers to call. I had no problem with the calling, it was that the numbers were on a list. I don't think that person had ever had work handed back to them like that, I guess refusing to do something was a first for me too. I certainly realized lists and I weren't going to get along.
But recently I've been seeking treatment for ADHD, and one of the things I've noticed is that I don't look at lists with as much disdain. I do find them helpful, as long as I take care to craft them in a helpful way. A list can only have so many items on it. In the case of a task list that breaks items up per day, I must be careful to distribute items equally throughout the week or I will overwhelm myself and not get anything done on the busy day with too many tasks.
Still, this is progress. I used a task list successfully for the past two weeks to keep track of things I needed to do. It has worked very well!
Webweaver, certified
Last but not least is a huge accomplishment for me. I successfully completed the freeCodeCamp Responsive Web Design course and got my certificate. Now, this certificate is really just that I completed the course and passed all tests for the 5 projects. But what it really is to me is validation that I can stick with something and learn it while following a course to completion. This is the first online course I've ever completed. I have too many half finished or barely completed online courses in my life, and again I think I have to credit this one to seeking treatment for ADHD. I work much more consistently now rather than getting over excited about something new and burning the wick at both ends until nothing is left and I give up. This is a good start, and I'm looking forward to learning more, finally with a combination of excitement and an understanding to take things slow and steady.
Celebrate yourself too!
These may seem like small items, or maybe like me, you never dreamed you could do these things. But I think every day all of us accomplish a few things we should be proud of. If you are in a situation where you need to celebrate getting out of bed each day, do it, I mean it. You are saying you will keep pushing forward and helping yourself, that's an excellent attitude. Keep trying, keep getting help where you can, keep celebrating any success big or small. You're worth it.
Later Gator