Walk with me for a moment

I have an eye impairment that renders me legally blind. With corrective eye wear my vision is 20/100. People often would ask "what does the world look like to you?". It is impossible to explain because I'm missing things that are obvious to someone with better eyesight, it was never a question I could properly answer, and I think I never gave the things I went through proper justice as a result. The easiest way I can explain this to you is that when you get an eye test, and they stick you a ways away from that eye chat with the big 'E' at the top, well... That's all I can see, with glasses or without them. Every time they'd ask all I could say was 'E'.

Growing up as a child you're not really aware that something is different about you, you're far too concerned watching cartoons. It doesn't matter to you that you sit directly below the TV looking up at it in awe, but understand that's not because of the technological feats of television blowing your child mind, you just can't see the damn thing from anywhere else in the room. But you don't think about it like that as a kid, but adults are keen to give your mother shit for how close your child sits to the TV, as if it matters so long as she's enjoying spongebob.

A common theme throughout my life seems to be that no one really knows I can't see well until I inconvenience them in some way. A potential date night is cancelled because they learn you take public transportation and can't pick them up. The cashier looks at you funny as you squint at a menu placed behind them that may as well be chalk lines instead of letters, not offering any help mind you, just gawking. The common theme of "is she stupid" runs along with this, with my grade school hesitating on whether I would be allowed to take our state's standardized testing since not being able to see well means I must not be good at school subjects. In my professional life I've had people accuse me of being illiterate because I dare look too closely at someone's fucked up handwriting on a paper.

You can tell there's a lot of anger in me about this I'm sure, and to be honest there is. It isn't fixable, it won't get better, it won't go away. In so many ways it has dictated how I will live my life without any further choices or options. To be ruled by this, to have it decide what job you take because the one you want and is a perfect fit isn't on the bus line, is fucking maddening. This is my life, this is not up to my vision to decide damnit. But so many times it was, so often it was to make sure I had money, or health insurance, and so many times it cost me my mental health by placing me in horrible working conditions.

I don't want you to feel sorry, people deal with far worse day to day then I do. Work is over for me now, there will be no more workplace induced trauma for me, and for the most part life's grey clouds have started to part because of that. Still what I wouldn't give sometimes for the chance to blast down the highway in the Nissan 240sx I would constantly have a watchlist of, before they were even popular.

There's no particular way i want to end this, I just want someone to read it and listen to my story.

Later Gator

The past few weeks have had their ups and downs. With the grey months coming in I've felt my mood become a little less happy overall. A few days I found it hard to really be motivated to do much. But I have to look back at these last few weeks and pat myself on the back a bit, because there are quite a few wins sprinkled in there that I must acknowledge to myself.

Getting out and seeing the world

For the first time probably since 2021, I went to a physical grocery store to shop. I know this may seem odd, but you have to understand currently I cannot go to the pharmacy for longer than 20 minutes without feeling like I will have a panic attack (I once had a panic attack at the pharmacy waiting for medication related to preventing panic attacks). So this is quite an accomplishment for me. To feel confident enough to go around and pick out items without fear or worry or my chest tightening up was huge. I spent about 30 minutes at the store getting everything I need and was quite proud of myself for doing so. I'm hoping that doing this allows me to go to the pharmacy when necessary with more confidence and allow me to avoid the feeling of fear that has been so present.

Checklists are okay actually

For the first time in my life I used a checklist to keep track of tasks. Lists and I never really got along. I find them particularly overwhelming and have done everything I can to avoid them. I once wouldn't perform a task at a job because it involved a long list of phone numbers to call. I had no problem with the calling, it was that the numbers were on a list. I don't think that person had ever had work handed back to them like that, I guess refusing to do something was a first for me too. I certainly realized lists and I weren't going to get along.

But recently I've been seeking treatment for ADHD, and one of the things I've noticed is that I don't look at lists with as much disdain. I do find them helpful, as long as I take care to craft them in a helpful way. A list can only have so many items on it. In the case of a task list that breaks items up per day, I must be careful to distribute items equally throughout the week or I will overwhelm myself and not get anything done on the busy day with too many tasks.

Still, this is progress. I used a task list successfully for the past two weeks to keep track of things I needed to do. It has worked very well!

Webweaver, certified

Last but not least is a huge accomplishment for me. I successfully completed the freeCodeCamp Responsive Web Design course and got my certificate. Now, this certificate is really just that I completed the course and passed all tests for the 5 projects. But what it really is to me is validation that I can stick with something and learn it while following a course to completion. This is the first online course I've ever completed. I have too many half finished or barely completed online courses in my life, and again I think I have to credit this one to seeking treatment for ADHD. I work much more consistently now rather than getting over excited about something new and burning the wick at both ends until nothing is left and I give up. This is a good start, and I'm looking forward to learning more, finally with a combination of excitement and an understanding to take things slow and steady.

Celebrate yourself too!

These may seem like small items, or maybe like me, you never dreamed you could do these things. But I think every day all of us accomplish a few things we should be proud of. If you are in a situation where you need to celebrate getting out of bed each day, do it, I mean it. You are saying you will keep pushing forward and helping yourself, that's an excellent attitude. Keep trying, keep getting help where you can, keep celebrating any success big or small. You're worth it.

Later Gator

The title of this website is Walk with me for a moment. I'll need you to do that as I go through a few things. In life currently, my name is Alex, but I will be very insistent, it is just Alex. Not Alexander. Not Al. Just Alex. The author of these blog posts is Emma. This is who I desire to be one day, she is the all of the good and sweet and kindheartedness of me that exists as a person. For now it isn't safe to be her in the physical space I occupy. So if we were to ever meet, I would insist. It is just Alex. If you were literally walking you can stop now. Unless you have somewhere to be, in which case stop staring at your phone while you're walking.

From a very young age I was very particular about my name. School enjoyed being proper and calling me Alexander, I hated it. It was to be stabbed in the chest to be called Alexander. But what do you do about it? It is your name after all, surely my mother knew what she was doing with names, and I'm far from a rule breaker so this isn't a time for me to stand up for myself. That's about how this keeps going too, despite years of folks calling me Al, or Alexander. Despite the internal pain it caused me to be called these names, I never really corrected anyone unless they were kind enough to ask first. This was always the best scenario, someone who knew enough to know I might prefer to be called something other than my full name. These people were heroes to me for such a simple act.

As a kid a neighbor called me "Alex Trebek" I guess when you like learning things as a child and your first name is Alex you get referred to as the late host from Jeopardy? I don't know, people rarely make sense and are weird. This was unacceptable to me too. It was just Alex, I was not the host of the game show my mom and grandma watched every night, I was just Alex.

I don't want to spin in circles too much about this, I think you get the point. The last one I will bring up is my mother, who routinely calls me Al. I'm an adult now, she has no idea I know I am a woman, and that I will one day be called Emma. But I let her call me Al, even though it drives me up a wall every time. I do this because enough things get in between me and my mother getting along already, and if I'm honest and looking at my family history, I've got about another 10-12 years of her doing it and then she won't be here anymore. If her calling me Al brings her some small bit of joy or she feels it does for me, I can live with it I guess. But that's how it has always been. I've just put up with this despite being so internally insistent about it. Through the years I have had highs and lows in my confidence. There were definitely times I've stood up for myself, and been an advocate for myself. But this period of time isn't that. This period of time is one of being who I am first and foremost, and despite for years me thinking it was just Alex. It wasn't even Alex in the first place. My partner, the only person in real life who knows about my identity, calls me Emma when it is just us. My heart lights up, my inner happiness is sky high, this is me, this is who I really am. Emma.

I think the point I want to make with all of this is that names are often rarely just names, for many if not all of us they are so much more than that. But I think sometimes we don't learn that lesson, and I think sometimes we don't teach it either. But should I run into you in real life, it is just Alex, until one day it doesn't have to be any more.

Later Gator

Over the past few days I've felt a strong urge to be my true self. Who I was always meant to be. She's been there as long as I can remember, but life in general means I can't be her in the real world. In finding online community however, I realized I've found a place that I can be her. This has been a very positive thing for me, though my heart aches for a day I can be her in my physical space and also be safe, this little push to be my true self online has been so beneficial. I've been happier overall and feel whole for the first time in awhile.

I think one of the things that made this so easy to do is that my online and offline selves are completely separated. I know not everybody can or wants to do that. But when I started using the internet it was a very common way to approach things, and I think that helped greatly as I could change my online self to be who I really was and could find ways to express who I really am online, without putting my safety at risk in the real world.

I know there are so many folks who can not express themselves in the real world, much like myself right now. I would say if you can, find a way to express yourself somewhere online. If you have a community that will accept you for who you really are, try and find a way to be who you've always wanted to be. I'm so overall buzzing with joy and happiness that my small corner of the web I occupy allows me to be my true self. I so much hope that is the case for anyone reading this, because it has been a good first step in getting to where I want to be in terms of who I really am. It has helped relieve some of the pressure I had on myself that was causing stress and anxiety.

I have much to learn, but I know with my whole heart that this is me. With time I will keep finding ways to express myself online, and I know that one day I can be somewhere where I can be my true self offline too. Thank you so much for reading this even if it is a little bit of word soup. The past few days have been emotional to say the least. Whoever you are, and however you are feeling about yourself. You are you, never be ashamed or afraid of that. Be authentically yourself in all the ways you can be!

Later Gator

Over the past two years I've found myself very interested in bird watching, also called birding. It started sort of by accident I would say. In an effort to spruce up the backyard, a bird feeder was introduced to attract some of the local birds. What I didn't realize was just how much I'd learn about the birds in the region, and how much this new hobby would grow on me.

First impressions

I would have to say that from the beginning when the first birds started showing up, I was hooked. There were common birds such as various sparrows like the Chipping Sparrow - eBird and the Northern Cardinal - eBird which though shows up frequently is a favorite of mine. Cardinals are a real treat on a grey winter day, with their vibrant red feathers offering a nice change of scenery. Occasionally, a Blue Jay - eBird would make an appearance. Though they often avoided the feeder, and stuck to food that had fallen on the ground.

Rare birds really do brighten up your day

As I gained more knowledge in birding, the types of birds I started to attract changed as well. Two that I'm most proud of are having attracted a Baltimore Oriole - eBird who in particular loved a flower that was planted in the yard and could care less about the feeders. Another great sight that is very common but took some knowledge to bring to a feeder was the American Goldfinch - eBird. These in particular were tough as they prefer a type of food called thistle. Once this type of food was made available, a few families of Goldfinches regularly stopped by my yard.

Someone always has to ruin the fun

This year I had a bit of what I'd call a bully enter the feeding area. The Common Grackle - eBird turned out to be quite the troublemaker at the feeders. They often arrived in large groups, up to 20 birds at a time, and would work together to push all the other birds away to have the feeders to themselves. What I ended up doing was taking down the feeders for about two weeks to give them the impression food was no longer available in my yard. They slowly moved on and stayed away for the rest of the season, most likely they had found another reliable food source.

Items you may want if you are interested in birding

Throughout this post I've linked a site called eBird. This site is helpful as it has high resolution photos and bird calls, as well as region maps. If you are more of a paper in your hands type of person, you may want to see if there is a field guide available for your region or state for birds. These are very convenient when watching birds, and are often broken into bird colors for easy lookup. They'll usually have helpful information such as what type of seed a bird may be most interested in, which can help ensure repeated visits if you find yourself particularly interested in that bird. You may also find items like binoculars handy if you would like a close up view of the birds you are observing. Many wild birds are timid of humans, so keeping your distance and still getting a good view is the best way to approach this hobby. If you find yourself to be interested in photography, you'll most likely benefit from a digital camera with a good optical zoom. This means the lens itself is doing the zooming, and the camera isn't digitally zooming. This will help you maintain a good picture but still keep your distance to keep birds still. That said I'd still recommend a camera that can take multiple photos. Birds jump and flap their wings, so a burst of photos may be the best approach if trying to get a few pictures.

I hope you may find an interest in birding after reading this post. You may be surprised by what is in your area. Being more connected with nature, even if just observing birds in your backyard, can be a good way to get away from the busyness of life too. A summer day spent in the backyard watching birds never hurt anyone I'd think!

Later gator