I used to work in a rather high pressure part of tech. Though most of my career has been support related, the positions themselves always felt like they required more than just knowing how to fix an app or restart a computer. Sometimes business was on the line if problems were delayed. But I loved the work for a long time. I often thought to myself, that when left to idle I would grow restless and anxious. When it was all hands on deck and something needed fixed right now that is when I was most steady, most methodical in my approach.
I have moved away from working now, truth be told it was something I didn't have to do. I was born with an eye condition that renders me legally blind even with corrective lenses. Being legally blind is a recognized disability where I live, but the odd thing about something like being legally blind, and I imagine a lot of disabilities. Is that you spend a long part of your life proving people wrong, showing time over how you can when they say you can't. So I entered the work field in an area of my state where a car was usually needed, I took the bus. It worked well! Until it didn't. What made me put away the work boots in the end was that constant need to be busy, that motor that always needed to run.
I learned I had ADHD a few months ago and my career made so much more sense. Why I would take on so much, why I would earn a reputation as a hard worker, and then why I'd finally burn out catastrophically. More importantly I learned why I hated the weekends so much, why I couldn't allow myself to have fun or time for me.
Things have really changed in the months since my diagnosis. Though I still take pleasure in keeping myself busy. I can say to myself "emma you've done enough, let's take a break". Further I can actually enjoy that time to myself. Because damn it I deserved it, I deserved it when I was working and I deserve it now. No one should ever have to feel like the weekend is their enemy. That they should ask their boss to let them work on the weekends because they have no fucking idea what to do with their downtime. But that was almost me, I actually almost did that at one point.
I'm so glad to be where I am at now. There is a lot of work ahead of me, but I welcome the slow and steady journey to getting well and looking after myself better than I have before.
I want to share with you two pieces of media that have helped me stay grounded, or in the moment as some might describe it. As someone with anxiety my mind has a tendency to focus heavily on the future or criticize my past actions, when what often matters most is what is going on around me in the moment, as this is what I can directly change and have an impact on.
The first piece of media is a bit of a spoiler for the series Halt and Catch Fire. The clip is from quite late in the series, so I'd consider watching the series if it is on your watch list. I think this is quite an important moment for one of the characters in the show, and I wouldn't want to derail your plans for watching what I feel is an underrated show.
This is a clip from the show that has meant so much to me since I first saw it years ago
I think what matters to me so much about this clip is the focus on being in the moment. Gordon, the character in the recording is facing the very real prospect of death from a condition developed in the show and has to keep himself going for those who depend on him, and also himself. Though the stakes aren't as high for me, I find this recording to be very useful in my own life, it combines a countdown to focus your thoughts on the present along with gentle reminders that what seems big is something you've handled before and done well. Though the problem may be different this time, you've always figured something out. The advice to look up from the computer I might be ignoring a little bit if I'm honest. There's time to improve in many areas though, progress takes time.
A second piece of media is a song I'd like to share with you by the band Built to Spill. I think the song does a good job of communicating that we can be certain life will be uncertain, and that we may find ourselves to want to plan for the uncertain, but it often loads us down with stress when we aren't able to gauge the certainty of things that have not happened yet.
It took a while for this song to really resonate with me. The lesson being taught in this song is something I wouldn't learn until my late 20s. I think it was a combination of many things. In my late 20s I was experiencing many things. I would come out as bisexual, start dating, and have my own place in the course of about 2 years. These experiences, combined with discussions with my therapist about how important it was for me not to focus on my past or future too much. That it is okay to have goals that may be in the future, but how we get there may be completely different from how we see getting there right now. That's okay though, the thing is that we made it.
I know life seems all but certain for many folks in many parts of the world right now, I hope these two pieces of media might help you as well. I hope to add more to this blog with time, and hopefully get a bit better at writing through the process.