Walk with me for a moment

I used to work in a rather high pressure part of tech. Though most of my career has been support related, the positions themselves always felt like they required more than just knowing how to fix an app or restart a computer. Sometimes business was on the line if problems were delayed. But I loved the work for a long time. I often thought to myself, that when left to idle I would grow restless and anxious. When it was all hands on deck and something needed fixed right now that is when I was most steady, most methodical in my approach.

I have moved away from working now, truth be told it was something I didn't have to do. I was born with an eye condition that renders me legally blind even with corrective lenses. Being legally blind is a recognized disability where I live, but the odd thing about something like being legally blind, and I imagine a lot of disabilities. Is that you spend a long part of your life proving people wrong, showing time over how you can when they say you can't. So I entered the work field in an area of my state where a car was usually needed, I took the bus. It worked well! Until it didn't. What made me put away the work boots in the end was that constant need to be busy, that motor that always needed to run.

I learned I had ADHD a few months ago and my career made so much more sense. Why I would take on so much, why I would earn a reputation as a hard worker, and then why I'd finally burn out catastrophically. More importantly I learned why I hated the weekends so much, why I couldn't allow myself to have fun or time for me.

Things have really changed in the months since my diagnosis. Though I still take pleasure in keeping myself busy. I can say to myself "emma you've done enough, let's take a break". Further I can actually enjoy that time to myself. Because damn it I deserved it, I deserved it when I was working and I deserve it now. No one should ever have to feel like the weekend is their enemy. That they should ask their boss to let them work on the weekends because they have no fucking idea what to do with their downtime. But that was almost me, I actually almost did that at one point.

I'm so glad to be where I am at now. There is a lot of work ahead of me, but I welcome the slow and steady journey to getting well and looking after myself better than I have before.

Later gator