Walk with me for a moment

November 2024

• I could really use…

  The past few days have been very hard. I've been broken up with my partner for just about a week. A five year relationship ended by them running away. I stand here, and look at my broken life, and I want to pick up the pieces, patch the walls, dust the floors. It is just rather hard to do that when the roof has caved in and it is raining all the time. It rains so much when you're like this. It makes your clothes soaking wet, so heavy with weight that every action takes so much effort. You sigh as if you've run a marathon, and yet you've made the same pot of coffee you do every day. I'm speaking with a therapist, which is good. This is good. I've acknowledged I need help. I've been through major depression enough that I'm diagnosed with it as a disorder, I'm no stranger to this. It is so demoralizing for it to be a different path with different way points, different breakthroughs, all unique every time. The analyst in me wishes for a system to this, the human in me scoffs at those who…

  Permanent link to “I could really use an umbrella”

• I think I have…

  Maybe you aren't familiar with this, most doctors I've brought the symptoms up to don't have much to say about it. So here's the wikipedia article if you'd like to read that first: Exploding Head Syndrome - wikipedia With that out of the way, I think I have this, but there's not a lot one can do about it. The name alone suggests that there's not a great deal of research and wikipedia suggests most people don't bother with reporting symptoms. I always found the name funny because I don't really associate it with my head exploding. It is a loud sudden bang with no echo. I also have the visual part of this as well. When falling asleep I can see a white light sometimes as bright as daylight. It is quite distracting and requires me to open my eyes to make it stop. That's kind of the weird thing about this, it is quite jarring and alarming in the moment. But you shake it off after a few seconds. For me they rarely occur more than once every so often. The visual light part is more common for…

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• Letting go isn't…

  I don't think this has been a great week for a lot of folks, it certainly hasn't for me. In addition to how the election turned out, my partner left me the day after. Our relationship was never perfect, and to be honest this is probably a good thing in the long run. A lot of damage was done to me in the process of this relationship under the guise of good intentions, under my assumption of being a good partner. That's what will take a lot of work to fix and figure out my life on my own again, I'm not afraid to be single, but I have no one in my life now. When we met in 2019 they were very charming, we fell quick. Things took a turn when they were diagnosed with cancer. It was early in the relationship, but I felt a connection to them I had felt with no one else, I felt we had to keep going and they had to get better because I wanted a life with this person. So through the course of 3 years, and you know what happened between 2019-2022 so add that on to the list, I looked after them.…

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• Invisible until it…

  I have an eye impairment that renders me legally blind. With corrective eye wear my vision is 20/100. People often would ask "what does the world look like to you?". It is impossible to explain because I'm missing things that are obvious to someone with better eyesight, it was never a question I could properly answer, and I think I never gave the things I went through proper justice as a result. The easiest way I can explain this to you is that when you get an eye test, and they stick you a ways away from that eye chat with the big 'E' at the top, well... That's all I can see, with glasses or without them. Every time they'd ask all I could say was 'E'. Growing up as a child you're not really aware that something is different about you, you're far too concerned watching cartoons. It doesn't matter to you that you sit directly below the TV looking up at it in awe, but understand that's not because of the technological feats of television blowing your child mind, you just can't…

  Permanent link to “Invisible until it is inconvienient - being legally blind”

• A celebration of…

  The past few weeks have had their ups and downs. With the grey months coming in I've felt my mood become a little less happy overall. A few days I found it hard to really be motivated to do much. But I have to look back at these last few weeks and pat myself on the back a bit, because there are quite a few wins sprinkled in there that I must acknowledge to myself. Getting out and seeing the world For the first time probably since 2021, I went to a physical grocery store to shop. I know this may seem odd, but you have to understand currently I cannot go to the pharmacy for longer than 20 minutes without feeling like I will have a panic attack (I once had a panic attack at the pharmacy waiting for medication related to preventing panic attacks). So this is quite an accomplishment for me. To feel confident enough to go around and pick out items without fear or worry or my chest tightening up was huge. I spent about 30 minutes at the store getting everything I need and was quite proud of…

  Permanent link to “A celebration of sorts”

October 2024

• Just Alex

  The title of this website is Walk with me for a moment. I'll need you to do that as I go through a few things. In life currently, my name is Alex, but I will be very insistent, it is just Alex. Not Alexander. Not Al. Just Alex. The author of these blog posts is Emma. This is who I desire to be one day, she is the all of the good and sweet and kindheartedness of me that exists as a person. For now it isn't safe to be her in the physical space I occupy. So if we were to ever meet, I would insist. It is just Alex. If you were literally walking you can stop now. Unless you have somewhere to be, in which case stop staring at your phone while you're walking. From a very young age I was very particular about my name. School enjoyed being proper and calling me Alexander, I hated it. It was to be stabbed in the chest to be called Alexander. But what do you do about it? It is your name after all, surely my mother knew what she was doing with names, and I'm far from a rule breaker so this isn't…

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• Hello World

  Over the past few days I've felt a strong urge to be my true self. Who I was always meant to be. She's been there as long as I can remember, but life in general means I can't be her in the real world. In finding online community however, I realized I've found a place that I can be her. This has been a very positive thing for me, though my heart aches for a day I can be her in my physical space and also be safe, this little push to be my true self online has been so beneficial. I've been happier overall and feel whole for the first time in awhile. I think one of the things that made this so easy to do is that my online and offline selves are completely separated. I know not everybody can or wants to do that. But when I started using the internet it was a very common way to approach things, and I think that helped greatly as I could change my online self to be who I really was and could find ways to express who I really am online, without putting my safety at risk in the real world. I…

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• Bird watching isn't…

  Over the past two years I've found myself very interested in bird watching, also called birding. It started sort of by accident I would say. In an effort to spruce up the backyard, a bird feeder was introduced to attract some of the local birds. What I didn't realize was just how much I'd learn about the birds in the region, and how much this new hobby would grow on me. First impressions I would have to say that from the beginning when the first birds started showing up, I was hooked. There were common birds such as various sparrows like the Chipping Sparrow - eBird and the Northern Cardinal - eBird which though shows up frequently is a favorite of mine. Cardinals are a real treat on a grey winter day, with their vibrant red feathers offering a nice change of scenery. Occasionally, a Blue Jay - eBird would make an appearance. Though they often avoided the feeder, and stuck to food that had fallen on the ground. Rare birds really do brighten up your day As I gained more knowledge in…

  Permanent link to “Bird watching isn't just for cats”

• I am most at peace…

  I used to work in a rather high pressure part of tech. Though most of my career has been support related, the positions themselves always felt like they required more than just knowing how to fix an app or restart a computer. Sometimes business was on the line if problems were delayed. But I loved the work for a long time. I often thought to myself, that when left to idle I would grow restless and anxious. When it was all hands on deck and something needed fixed right now that is when I was most steady, most methodical in my approach. I have moved away from working now, truth be told it was something I didn't have to do. I was born with an eye condition that renders me legally blind even with corrective lenses. Being legally blind is a recognized disability where I live, but the odd thing about something like being legally blind, and I imagine a lot of disabilities. Is that you spend a long part of your life proving people wrong, showing time over how you can when they say you can't.…

  Permanent link to “I am most at peace when I am busy”

September 2024

• Media that has…

  I want to share with you two pieces of media that have helped me stay grounded, or in the moment as some might describe it. As someone with anxiety my mind has a tendency to focus heavily on the future or criticize my past actions, when what often matters most is what is going on around me in the moment, as this is what I can directly change and have an impact on. The first piece of media is a bit of a spoiler for the series Halt and Catch Fire. The clip is from quite late in the series, so I'd consider watching the series if it is on your watch list. I think this is quite an important moment for one of the characters in the show, and I wouldn't want to derail your plans for watching what I feel is an underrated show. This is a clip from the show that has meant so much to me since I first saw it years ago I think what matters to me so much about this clip is the focus on being in the moment. Gordon, the character in the recording is facing the very real prospect of death from a…

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