Walk with me for a moment

The past few days have been very hard. I've been broken up with my partner for just about a week. A five year relationship ended by them running away. I stand here, and look at my broken life, and I want to pick up the pieces, patch the walls, dust the floors. It is just rather hard to do that when the roof has caved in and it is raining all the time. It rains so much when you're like this. It makes your clothes soaking wet, so heavy with weight that every action takes so much effort. You sigh as if you've run a marathon, and yet you've made the same pot of coffee you do every day.

I'm speaking with a therapist, which is good. This is good. I've acknowledged I need help. I've been through major depression enough that I'm diagnosed with it as a disorder, I'm no stranger to this. It is so demoralizing for it to be a different path with different way points, different breakthroughs, all unique every time. The analyst in me wishes for a system to this, the human in me scoffs at those who try to troubleshoot me like a robot when I am explaining how I feel. What an odd dance to be in.

There's an underlying part in all of this that means I'll get through it though, even if it takes time I know I will. For better, and often times worse, I'm rather stubborn. I don't like giving up. I know what giving up to this potentially means, and I refuse.

For now, I'll keep picking up the pieces

Later Gator

Maybe you aren't familiar with this, most doctors I've brought the symptoms up to don't have much to say about it. So here's the wikipedia article if you'd like to read that first: Exploding Head Syndrome - wikipedia

With that out of the way, I think I have this, but there's not a lot one can do about it. The name alone suggests that there's not a great deal of research and wikipedia suggests most people don't bother with reporting symptoms. I always found the name funny because I don't really associate it with my head exploding. It is a loud sudden bang with no echo. I also have the visual part of this as well. When falling asleep I can see a white light sometimes as bright as daylight. It is quite distracting and requires me to open my eyes to make it stop.

That's kind of the weird thing about this, it is quite jarring and alarming in the moment. But you shake it off after a few seconds. For me they rarely occur more than once every so often. The visual light part is more common for me. Tonight was odd though, as I began to feel my body relax into sleep, I was anticipating the sound of an explosion. I don't know how to explain it, I could hear it without hearing it. My ears were responding to the sound of it, but the sound wasn't being made. It became so intense I had to take a deep breath and get up. Robbed of a cozy bed because of imagining the bang rather than hearing it.

But is there really any point in getting help for this? It doesn't seem worth it really. It happens every so often, I am aware it is something my mind is creating and not a noise happening in life around me. When the audio part of this occurs, while jarring it is over in seconds and I know what happened and can relax and usually fall asleep again. But it is just such a weird thing to deal with. I don't like it, but I put up with it. I imagine a lot of folks are in this situation. It doesn't really cause much harm to me besides shortly interrupted sleep. That's not really something I want to start medication for. I've thought about running a fan in my bedroom, perhaps focusing on ambient noise can allow my brain to safely go into sleep mode without need to make noise by itself.

There's no real point to this other than to publicly log tonight's occurrence for myself and perhaps shed some light on what this is if someone out there experiences this too.

Later Gator

I don't think this has been a great week for a lot of folks, it certainly hasn't for me. In addition to how the election turned out, my partner left me the day after. Our relationship was never perfect, and to be honest this is probably a good thing in the long run. A lot of damage was done to me in the process of this relationship under the guise of good intentions, under my assumption of being a good partner. That's what will take a lot of work to fix and figure out my life on my own again, I'm not afraid to be single, but I have no one in my life now.

When we met in 2019 they were very charming, we fell quick. Things took a turn when they were diagnosed with cancer. It was early in the relationship, but I felt a connection to them I had felt with no one else, I felt we had to keep going and they had to get better because I wanted a life with this person. So through the course of 3 years, and you know what happened between 2019-2022 so add that on to the list, I looked after them. After work I cared for them, I helped them in every way I could. Friends started leaving my life because I was so focused on them getting better. After two bouts of cancer and a non cancerous brain tumor, they were free of that part at least. But they had changed. They would accuse me of cheating because I worked a night job and that must've meant I doing something behind their back. They were just different.

We would split off and on several times, each time the promise of getting better was made, and each time I bought it, and for a little things would get better. But it was just them in my life. Oh sure they had friends, but I never met them, as much as I wanted to. I was very isolated and I didn't even know it, because was running under the assumption I was in love, that this was my person, and that was all I needed in life.

This time is different though, it clicked. That I put so much into this relationship and that when I had finally hit a rough patch of my own. They split. They couldn't help me when I truly needed them most. So I sit at my desk, alone with my cat. I look back through all those years and I no longer see the love, I see all the things that should've made me leave, that should've made me let go. Relationships are very involved. things. I think there are points in this relationship that we genuinely loved each other. I don't really know what happened to change that. Few times in life are we afforded a gift with a bow that contains all the answers we need. I'll never really know, and it really doesn't matter. I'm starting therapy next week which is long overdue, and I'm looking forward to it as I genuinely need help. I know people want to help and I want to get better, because I deserve to be happy and confident in myself once again.

I have to ask one thing though, I lost all my friends. I don't really know how to make friends anymore. I know I haven't posted a lot on this blog so far, but if you've read the posts on here or you know me from somewhere. Would you like to be friends? You can email me at emma-at-emmas-dot-place or if you happen to know me from a community we might both be in, we can talk there. The one thing I do really know, is that I need friends right now, I know it is a lot to ask of internet strangers, maybe too much even. But I have to ask.

Later Gator

I have an eye impairment that renders me legally blind. With corrective eye wear my vision is 20/100. People often would ask "what does the world look like to you?". It is impossible to explain because I'm missing things that are obvious to someone with better eyesight, it was never a question I could properly answer, and I think I never gave the things I went through proper justice as a result. The easiest way I can explain this to you is that when you get an eye test, and they stick you a ways away from that eye chat with the big 'E' at the top, well... That's all I can see, with glasses or without them. Every time they'd ask all I could say was 'E'.

Growing up as a child you're not really aware that something is different about you, you're far too concerned watching cartoons. It doesn't matter to you that you sit directly below the TV looking up at it in awe, but understand that's not because of the technological feats of television blowing your child mind, you just can't see the damn thing from anywhere else in the room. But you don't think about it like that as a kid, but adults are keen to give your mother shit for how close your child sits to the TV, as if it matters so long as she's enjoying spongebob.

A common theme throughout my life seems to be that no one really knows I can't see well until I inconvenience them in some way. A potential date night is cancelled because they learn you take public transportation and can't pick them up. The cashier looks at you funny as you squint at a menu placed behind them that may as well be chalk lines instead of letters, not offering any help mind you, just gawking. The common theme of "is she stupid" runs along with this, with my grade school hesitating on whether I would be allowed to take our state's standardized testing since not being able to see well means I must not be good at school subjects. In my professional life I've had people accuse me of being illiterate because I dare look too closely at someone's fucked up handwriting on a paper.

You can tell there's a lot of anger in me about this I'm sure, and to be honest there is. It isn't fixable, it won't get better, it won't go away. In so many ways it has dictated how I will live my life without any further choices or options. To be ruled by this, to have it decide what job you take because the one you want and is a perfect fit isn't on the bus line, is fucking maddening. This is my life, this is not up to my vision to decide damnit. But so many times it was, so often it was to make sure I had money, or health insurance, and so many times it cost me my mental health by placing me in horrible working conditions.

I don't want you to feel sorry, people deal with far worse day to day then I do. Work is over for me now, there will be no more workplace induced trauma for me, and for the most part life's grey clouds have started to part because of that. Still what I wouldn't give sometimes for the chance to blast down the highway in the Nissan 240sx I would constantly have a watchlist of, before they were even popular.

There's no particular way i want to end this, I just want someone to read it and listen to my story.

Later Gator

The past few weeks have had their ups and downs. With the grey months coming in I've felt my mood become a little less happy overall. A few days I found it hard to really be motivated to do much. But I have to look back at these last few weeks and pat myself on the back a bit, because there are quite a few wins sprinkled in there that I must acknowledge to myself.

Getting out and seeing the world

For the first time probably since 2021, I went to a physical grocery store to shop. I know this may seem odd, but you have to understand currently I cannot go to the pharmacy for longer than 20 minutes without feeling like I will have a panic attack (I once had a panic attack at the pharmacy waiting for medication related to preventing panic attacks). So this is quite an accomplishment for me. To feel confident enough to go around and pick out items without fear or worry or my chest tightening up was huge. I spent about 30 minutes at the store getting everything I need and was quite proud of myself for doing so. I'm hoping that doing this allows me to go to the pharmacy when necessary with more confidence and allow me to avoid the feeling of fear that has been so present.

Checklists are okay actually

For the first time in my life I used a checklist to keep track of tasks. Lists and I never really got along. I find them particularly overwhelming and have done everything I can to avoid them. I once wouldn't perform a task at a job because it involved a long list of phone numbers to call. I had no problem with the calling, it was that the numbers were on a list. I don't think that person had ever had work handed back to them like that, I guess refusing to do something was a first for me too. I certainly realized lists and I weren't going to get along.

But recently I've been seeking treatment for ADHD, and one of the things I've noticed is that I don't look at lists with as much disdain. I do find them helpful, as long as I take care to craft them in a helpful way. A list can only have so many items on it. In the case of a task list that breaks items up per day, I must be careful to distribute items equally throughout the week or I will overwhelm myself and not get anything done on the busy day with too many tasks.

Still, this is progress. I used a task list successfully for the past two weeks to keep track of things I needed to do. It has worked very well!

Webweaver, certified

Last but not least is a huge accomplishment for me. I successfully completed the freeCodeCamp Responsive Web Design course and got my certificate. Now, this certificate is really just that I completed the course and passed all tests for the 5 projects. But what it really is to me is validation that I can stick with something and learn it while following a course to completion. This is the first online course I've ever completed. I have too many half finished or barely completed online courses in my life, and again I think I have to credit this one to seeking treatment for ADHD. I work much more consistently now rather than getting over excited about something new and burning the wick at both ends until nothing is left and I give up. This is a good start, and I'm looking forward to learning more, finally with a combination of excitement and an understanding to take things slow and steady.

Celebrate yourself too!

These may seem like small items, or maybe like me, you never dreamed you could do these things. But I think every day all of us accomplish a few things we should be proud of. If you are in a situation where you need to celebrate getting out of bed each day, do it, I mean it. You are saying you will keep pushing forward and helping yourself, that's an excellent attitude. Keep trying, keep getting help where you can, keep celebrating any success big or small. You're worth it.

Later Gator