Walk with me for a moment

The title of this website is Walk with me for a moment. I'll need you to do that as I go through a few things. In life currently, my name is Alex, but I will be very insistent, it is just Alex. Not Alexander. Not Al. Just Alex. The author of these blog posts is Emma. This is who I desire to be one day, she is the all of the good and sweet and kindheartedness of me that exists as a person. For now it isn't safe to be her in the physical space I occupy. So if we were to ever meet, I would insist. It is just Alex. If you were literally walking you can stop now. Unless you have somewhere to be, in which case stop staring at your phone while you're walking.

From a very young age I was very particular about my name. School enjoyed being proper and calling me Alexander, I hated it. It was to be stabbed in the chest to be called Alexander. But what do you do about it? It is your name after all, surely my mother knew what she was doing with names, and I'm far from a rule breaker so this isn't a time for me to stand up for myself. That's about how this keeps going too, despite years of folks calling me Al, or Alexander. Despite the internal pain it caused me to be called these names, I never really corrected anyone unless they were kind enough to ask first. This was always the best scenario, someone who knew enough to know I might prefer to be called something other than my full name. These people were heroes to me for such a simple act.

As a kid a neighbor called me "Alex Trebek" I guess when you like learning things as a child and your first name is Alex you get referred to as the late host from Jeopardy? I don't know, people rarely make sense and are weird. This was unacceptable to me too. It was just Alex, I was not the host of the game show my mom and grandma watched every night, I was just Alex.

I don't want to spin in circles too much about this, I think you get the point. The last one I will bring up is my mother, who routinely calls me Al. I'm an adult now, she has no idea I know I am a woman, and that I will one day be called Emma. But I let her call me Al, even though it drives me up a wall every time. I do this because enough things get in between me and my mother getting along already, and if I'm honest and looking at my family history, I've got about another 10-12 years of her doing it and then she won't be here anymore. If her calling me Al brings her some small bit of joy or she feels it does for me, I can live with it I guess. But that's how it has always been. I've just put up with this despite being so internally insistent about it. Through the years I have had highs and lows in my confidence. There were definitely times I've stood up for myself, and been an advocate for myself. But this period of time isn't that. This period of time is one of being who I am first and foremost, and despite for years me thinking it was just Alex. It wasn't even Alex in the first place. My partner, the only person in real life who knows about my identity, calls me Emma when it is just us. My heart lights up, my inner happiness is sky high, this is me, this is who I really am. Emma.

I think the point I want to make with all of this is that names are often rarely just names, for many if not all of us they are so much more than that. But I think sometimes we don't learn that lesson, and I think sometimes we don't teach it either. But should I run into you in real life, it is just Alex, until one day it doesn't have to be any more.

Later Gator

Over the past few days I've felt a strong urge to be my true self. Who I was always meant to be. She's been there as long as I can remember, but life in general means I can't be her in the real world. In finding online community however, I realized I've found a place that I can be her. This has been a very positive thing for me, though my heart aches for a day I can be her in my physical space and also be safe, this little push to be my true self online has been so beneficial. I've been happier overall and feel whole for the first time in awhile.

I think one of the things that made this so easy to do is that my online and offline selves are completely separated. I know not everybody can or wants to do that. But when I started using the internet it was a very common way to approach things, and I think that helped greatly as I could change my online self to be who I really was and could find ways to express who I really am online, without putting my safety at risk in the real world.

I know there are so many folks who can not express themselves in the real world, much like myself right now. I would say if you can, find a way to express yourself somewhere online. If you have a community that will accept you for who you really are, try and find a way to be who you've always wanted to be. I'm so overall buzzing with joy and happiness that my small corner of the web I occupy allows me to be my true self. I so much hope that is the case for anyone reading this, because it has been a good first step in getting to where I want to be in terms of who I really am. It has helped relieve some of the pressure I had on myself that was causing stress and anxiety.

I have much to learn, but I know with my whole heart that this is me. With time I will keep finding ways to express myself online, and I know that one day I can be somewhere where I can be my true self offline too. Thank you so much for reading this even if it is a little bit of word soup. The past few days have been emotional to say the least. Whoever you are, and however you are feeling about yourself. You are you, never be ashamed or afraid of that. Be authentically yourself in all the ways you can be!

Later Gator

Over the past two years I've found myself very interested in bird watching, also called birding. It started sort of by accident I would say. In an effort to spruce up the backyard, a bird feeder was introduced to attract some of the local birds. What I didn't realize was just how much I'd learn about the birds in the region, and how much this new hobby would grow on me.

First impressions

I would have to say that from the beginning when the first birds started showing up, I was hooked. There were common birds such as various sparrows like the Chipping Sparrow - eBird and the Northern Cardinal - eBird which though shows up frequently is a favorite of mine. Cardinals are a real treat on a grey winter day, with their vibrant red feathers offering a nice change of scenery. Occasionally, a Blue Jay - eBird would make an appearance. Though they often avoided the feeder, and stuck to food that had fallen on the ground.

Rare birds really do brighten up your day

As I gained more knowledge in birding, the types of birds I started to attract changed as well. Two that I'm most proud of are having attracted a Baltimore Oriole - eBird who in particular loved a flower that was planted in the yard and could care less about the feeders. Another great sight that is very common but took some knowledge to bring to a feeder was the American Goldfinch - eBird. These in particular were tough as they prefer a type of food called thistle. Once this type of food was made available, a few families of Goldfinches regularly stopped by my yard.

Someone always has to ruin the fun

This year I had a bit of what I'd call a bully enter the feeding area. The Common Grackle - eBird turned out to be quite the troublemaker at the feeders. They often arrived in large groups, up to 20 birds at a time, and would work together to push all the other birds away to have the feeders to themselves. What I ended up doing was taking down the feeders for about two weeks to give them the impression food was no longer available in my yard. They slowly moved on and stayed away for the rest of the season, most likely they had found another reliable food source.

Items you may want if you are interested in birding

Throughout this post I've linked a site called eBird. This site is helpful as it has high resolution photos and bird calls, as well as region maps. If you are more of a paper in your hands type of person, you may want to see if there is a field guide available for your region or state for birds. These are very convenient when watching birds, and are often broken into bird colors for easy lookup. They'll usually have helpful information such as what type of seed a bird may be most interested in, which can help ensure repeated visits if you find yourself particularly interested in that bird. You may also find items like binoculars handy if you would like a close up view of the birds you are observing. Many wild birds are timid of humans, so keeping your distance and still getting a good view is the best way to approach this hobby. If you find yourself to be interested in photography, you'll most likely benefit from a digital camera with a good optical zoom. This means the lens itself is doing the zooming, and the camera isn't digitally zooming. This will help you maintain a good picture but still keep your distance to keep birds still. That said I'd still recommend a camera that can take multiple photos. Birds jump and flap their wings, so a burst of photos may be the best approach if trying to get a few pictures.

I hope you may find an interest in birding after reading this post. You may be surprised by what is in your area. Being more connected with nature, even if just observing birds in your backyard, can be a good way to get away from the busyness of life too. A summer day spent in the backyard watching birds never hurt anyone I'd think!

Later gator

I used to work in a rather high pressure part of tech. Though most of my career has been support related, the positions themselves always felt like they required more than just knowing how to fix an app or restart a computer. Sometimes business was on the line if problems were delayed. But I loved the work for a long time. I often thought to myself, that when left to idle I would grow restless and anxious. When it was all hands on deck and something needed fixed right now that is when I was most steady, most methodical in my approach.

I have moved away from working now, truth be told it was something I didn't have to do. I was born with an eye condition that renders me legally blind even with corrective lenses. Being legally blind is a recognized disability where I live, but the odd thing about something like being legally blind, and I imagine a lot of disabilities. Is that you spend a long part of your life proving people wrong, showing time over how you can when they say you can't. So I entered the work field in an area of my state where a car was usually needed, I took the bus. It worked well! Until it didn't. What made me put away the work boots in the end was that constant need to be busy, that motor that always needed to run.

I learned I had ADHD a few months ago and my career made so much more sense. Why I would take on so much, why I would earn a reputation as a hard worker, and then why I'd finally burn out catastrophically. More importantly I learned why I hated the weekends so much, why I couldn't allow myself to have fun or time for me.

Things have really changed in the months since my diagnosis. Though I still take pleasure in keeping myself busy. I can say to myself "emma you've done enough, let's take a break". Further I can actually enjoy that time to myself. Because damn it I deserved it, I deserved it when I was working and I deserve it now. No one should ever have to feel like the weekend is their enemy. That they should ask their boss to let them work on the weekends because they have no fucking idea what to do with their downtime. But that was almost me, I actually almost did that at one point.

I'm so glad to be where I am at now. There is a lot of work ahead of me, but I welcome the slow and steady journey to getting well and looking after myself better than I have before.

Later gator

I want to share with you two pieces of media that have helped me stay grounded, or in the moment as some might describe it. As someone with anxiety my mind has a tendency to focus heavily on the future or criticize my past actions, when what often matters most is what is going on around me in the moment, as this is what I can directly change and have an impact on.

The first piece of media is a bit of a spoiler for the series Halt and Catch Fire. The clip is from quite late in the series, so I'd consider watching the series if it is on your watch list. I think this is quite an important moment for one of the characters in the show, and I wouldn't want to derail your plans for watching what I feel is an underrated show.

This is a clip from the show that has meant so much to me since I first saw it years ago

I think what matters to me so much about this clip is the focus on being in the moment. Gordon, the character in the recording is facing the very real prospect of death from a condition developed in the show and has to keep himself going for those who depend on him, and also himself. Though the stakes aren't as high for me, I find this recording to be very useful in my own life, it combines a countdown to focus your thoughts on the present along with gentle reminders that what seems big is something you've handled before and done well. Though the problem may be different this time, you've always figured something out. The advice to look up from the computer I might be ignoring a little bit if I'm honest. There's time to improve in many areas though, progress takes time.

A second piece of media is a song I'd like to share with you by the band Built to Spill. I think the song does a good job of communicating that we can be certain life will be uncertain, and that we may find ourselves to want to plan for the uncertain, but it often loads us down with stress when we aren't able to gauge the certainty of things that have not happened yet.

I know life seems all but certain for many folks in many parts of the world right now, I hope these two pieces of media might help you as well. I hope to add more to this blog with time, and hopefully get a bit better at writing through the process.

Later gator